Oh Mother’s Day catalogues

Okay so warning here, there’s a LOT of swearing in this one, sorrynotsorry. Also I wrote this post two days ago, but didn’t post it because of said swearing but showed my sister (because I know she would have a laugh) and she said post it. So here you go, one for all the mums out there. Hot topic at the moment!!

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What mothers really look like when they wake up

In with the junk mail today was the annual Mother’s Day catalogues. Now this issue has been bugging me for quite some time, and I have gotten angry but then just ranted to husband about it and gotten over it. This year, I don’t know why but I just felt the need to shout my anger from the rooftops!! (maybe it’s because I am 33 now.

Now before I start, I actually really love the shop that the aggravating catalogue came from, (I love pretty much all shops) and I love shopping catalogues (it’s like shopping but without getting trtouble from the husband for spending money) but their particular marketing (and that of all shops really) at Mother’s Day REALLY grinds my gears.

Let’s just first say, the shop in question hasn’t overtly named the catalogue as the Mother’s Day catalogue, however the sale goes from today until Sunday May 8 so really, we all know it is. Not to mention the fucking stock-standard Mother’s Day picture on the front of mums. In particular young mum and old mum (presumably young mum’s mother) in their pyjamas, hair and makeup immaculate, no signs of dribble from yet another crappy sleep, no hair sticking on end from perhaps a rare dead-persons-sleep because you are THAT tired, and of course nails perfectly painted not a chip in sight. Young mum and old mum are accompanied by just one, beautifully smiling little girl in her pyjamas who clearly hasn’t been fighting with her sister, pulling her hair out, red in the face from screaming about not going to bed. I don’t know about you ladies but I can’t remember a time where my mum and me just hung around happily in our pyjamas with hair and makeup done. Or for that matter managed to wear matching pyjamas, or sometimes wearing pyjamas at all.

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What actual mums do

Then I read the caption on young mum’s pyjamas, “Weekend I love you”. This is perhaps where I snapped inside. Hello big marketing team from big department store. I am a MUM, I DON’T GET A FUCKING WEEKEND. Perhaps if childcare centres were open on a weekend we would love them? But then of course society would tell us that we are selfish and not loving mothers because we want time to ourselves to recover from being a mum. Selfish bitches we are.

Okay open the page, more ladies hanging around together in their PJs. Because that’s all we females fucking do, prance around in our makeup and pyjamas. And while they have attempted to get a “balance” in female representation, there is one token “young mum”, one token “larger mum” alongside 5 beautifully groomed, playfully posed 20 somethings. Now if I was a mum, which I am, and I was forced to be in my pyjamas in a room full of 20 somethings, I WOULD NOT be happily posing for the cameras. I would either be hiding from self-doubt about how old I look (and why am I in my fucking pyjamas) or giving said 20 somethings daggers because I hate their energetic natures and their abilities to look amazing in pyjamas.

Next page. Ah slippers and knickers. BORING. You have been pedalling this crap for how many years? Get some new ideas.

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A real mum day, no pyjama prancing here

Now the next page really confuses me. Young, skinny, tanned girl in moderately sexy lingerie. Where are you going with this guys? Are you trying to make us mums out there not in shape and white from tending to babies 24/7 feel like shit? Achieved. Are you trying to alert us to the fact that we probably don’t have enough time or for that matter energy for being sexy? Achieved (but seriously we know that already). Or, are you trying to rub it in that we are not 20 something anymore, don’t look amazing in lingerie and don’t have time to get out and get a fucking spray tan? Then YES achieved guys. Fuck you!

Turn page. Oh fucking brilliant. Work out gear. Sooo what you are saying here guys is that when we aren’t lazing around the house in our pyjamas being all like happy and relaxed, the only other thing we could possibly be doing is working out? Or perhaps it’s just that after realising we look really shit in pyjamas we will be amazingly motivated to get into our home gyms and work out, or make a delicious smoothie from your suggested smoothie book.

Turn page. Ahh finally something we can relate to, clothes and shoes. I don’t have heaps to rant about this but seriously, another stunningly young model. Not a tired mum wrangling shitty children in sight.

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Real mum fashion - towels because you are fucking busy and forgot jumpers

Followed up closely by more 20 somethings. Hanging out all energy-filled and carefree. Are you trying to rub it in marketing team?? Do you actually believe that this is your target group here?

Turn page. Okay beauty products, okay great, fine with that but seriously when do I find the time?

Ah next page is my fave, foot massagers. For all those times when me and my mum friends all get together with no kids and sit around having foot massages. You know what I mean mums? NO WE DON’T. Because, kids??!!

Okay so turn page and this is about the point I realised I couldn’t keep this rant in. Titled “The Ultimate Mother’s Day Guide” which consists of a quilt cover set, cushions, sheets, a blanket and some pyjamas. I don’t know how you roll in your house but generally household items like sheets, blankets and FUCKING quilt covers, are HOUSEHOLD ITEMS. NOT FUCKING PRESENTS. Don’t buy the house a Mother’s Day present, buy ME a Mother’s Day present. Seriously, is this IT?? Is this your brilliant ideas for mums all over the country? I actually feel like I need to ring up the department store and tell them to flush their marketing budget down the toilet because your marketing team is a bunch of MONKEYS!! Just so you know guys, let me play out how this would go down Mother’s Day morning:

Kids “Here mum here’s your Mother’s Day present” which we ALL know comes from husband/partner.

Me on opening “Well wow, thanks girls”. Head turns to husband. All feeling drains out of his face. My face fixed in def-con level death stare that could sear steaks “Can you please step out of the room girls while mummy has to strangle your daddy with some sheets and shove a quilt cover up his arse”

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Just standing here pining over a kettle and a toaster guys

This amazing marketing team follows this up on the next page with toasters and fucking kettles. Because seriously, that’s what all of us mums do all day, just staring at an empty space in our kitchen pining over a beautiful kettle and toaster. No we fucking don’t. We either already have a kettle and toaster because, coffee and toast (two mother essentials marketing team, you’d be better to promote that), OR if it’s broken we buy a fucking new one. Because it’s BORING. A kettle and toaster is not a present, it’s a House. Hold. Item. Husbands and parters out there, if you have bought a toaster or kettle for the mum in your life: take it back. If she opens it and says “oh thanks what I’ve always wanted” she is a bloody good liar, or being sarcastic and you haven’t quite worked that out yet.

Recipe books and cooking stuff take up the next few pages, fine I get it, I LOVE cooking, but I also know I am in the minority. 90% of my mum friends hate cooking. Still not kicking goals here guys.

Turn over to the next page and FINALLY we are getting somewhere. Colouring sets, mandala stone kit yes, YES. Outside of the box! Fun shit. Something we can do at nights when we might actually find ourselves with an hour of peace (if we are lucky) but then…

SWEET. FUCKING. JESUS.

Next page. Vacuum Cleaners. Actual silence for the death of any slim piece of faith I had in this marketing team, and also any husband out there who DARE gives a vacuum for Mother’s Day. I pity the poor fool (husband/partner/child) who presents a mother with a vacuum cleaner on Mother’s Day. Here mum/honey have a vacuum cleaner so you can more efficiently pick up more of our shit that we leave ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE. You better duck mate because you about to get knocked the hell out when mum comes swinging with the vacuum cleaner. The ONLY way this would ever be a good present, ONLY WAY, is if it came accompanied by a water tight contract detailing that you (the present giver) now hereby declare that you will use said vacuum cleaner and do all vacuuming from here on out. If not, maybe you should run.

To finish it off the catalogue of course has pages and pages of books. Just to top off the “let’s make mums feel shit” vibe they are going for. I love books and I LOVE to read. Have I finished a book since having kids? No. I have not. Because I am a mum. And I HAVE SHIT TO DO!!!

And of course it finished off with chocolate. Because now that we all feel like utter shit, we can now get a huge chocolate craving. Thanks a bunch guys. Seriously.

So you might be thinking now well come on, what DOES make a good Mother’s Day gift? Well here you go, and said department store marketing team, you are getting this for free. Take notes. How about a wine glass that never runs out. Or just wine for that matter. Guess what, we drink. To relax and shit. It happens. Then coffee. Lots of it. Super strength coffee that keeps us going all day. How about a magical electric shocker that stops kids coming into the room when you are on the toilet? That would be nice. How about virtual reality goggles so when we are losing our shit we can put them on and be somewhere else. You could have different scenarios like yoga in Bali, or night out with the girls, or maybe just pooing in peace?!! Or do you know what, just something that makes us feel good. Nice skincare, mum directed fashion, or perhaps just some time alone.

In all honesty though, the presents don’t matter, and maybe that’s why department stores find it so hard to market to a bunch of ladies whos jobs really can’t be matched by material things. We are fucking brilliant, a toaster or sheets sets or a bloody vacuum cleaner will never be enough to appreciate our work. What does is beautiful cuddles from our kids, an I love you mum or a bright smile from our babies when we walk into the room, or just a pure a simple “your doing a fucking good job” from our partners/best friends/sisters or our own mums. Now THAT’S what it is all about.

So to all the mums out there, Happy Mother’s Day for next week, YOU FUCKING ROCK.

 

Big love,

Heidi

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